279. Lessons from Silence {with Sarah}

Hey, I am with Sarah today. Sera is Jared's partner. And you heard from Jared when he talked about his experience at the silent Vipassana retreat. Well, Sarah has also had that. Amazing experience. And I asked her if she would like to chat about it. So here we are. I'd love to hear Sarah. Start with like your number one takeaway, but then let us know what it was like to be at that silent retreat and what you went through. And. Anything really that you want to share because I have a feeling it helped you feel more home in yourself. Slightly. Slightly at least. My biggest takeaway is that I'm an asshole and the human. Weird. I think that was the biggest thing that I was really excited to come home and share with Jared was that, wow, I am such a human cause we're all like. We're walking through life and going on these journeys and. thinking that where we've figured it out, we've found the source but really I'm just a human I'm just here to have this human experience. that was probably the biggest takeaway., So what was the process like? My first day. I had an exorcism. Sitting on the mat. it's nine hours a day. I think that you're meditating. It's only an hour at a time, but you don't know that when you're well, I knew nothing. Jared told me nothing. I had no idea. I was getting into something that was quite so serious because I'm just a guest person. Right. I'm like, oh yeah, I'll do whatever. Yeah, that sounds fun. That sounds fun. I'll do it. So I had no idea what I was getting into. But it, I think the, exorcism more was, I didn't want to necessarily be there. there's this part of me that doesn't like being told what to do. Yeah. Very strong parents. So I'm sitting there and knowing that I can't change the time and then I'm going to be sitting on this mat for an hour, and then it's up to me whether or not I sit here and have this experience or not. Um, the exorcism was that understanding. Cause there was the child in me that was like wanting to get up, wanting to run away, move my legs. It's your face? Talk to somebody like do anything that is not what these people are telling me to do. so that when it really did, it felt like I was T tearing, like, um, like a shell off of my Bonnie with that one. And then I just. Started sitting in and focusing quietly. I'm working through it and it's, just breathwork at first, you're not doing anything else other than, feeling your breath on your nose, this tiny, tiny little area. And trying to quiet your mind. And I found, I found a cheat code for it. And I think the cheat code was, was having kids because, it's called your monkey mind. And so I'm sitting there and I realized that it's this other entity within me. And so I could just talk to it, like literally with. With not mouse sound so you can't make mouse sounds. With, with head sounds. and they said, no, you need to sit down. Mom's working right now. I need you to be quiet. You can play quietly over there. And you can show me what you want to show me. but right now I'm working, this is my time. Quiet. Just silent. Oh, wow. And that was, um, That was, I think on the second or third day. That I finally got my mind to quiet down and it was, really hard to remain loving in that sometimes because it's so frustrating. You'd be like, I just want to fucking work. How are you so stupid that you can't just be quiet and just do this work? And so. It was a. A constant struggle, trying to come out at that with love. but then after pranayama, You learn the passionate and. And learn what that is. And that was, that was a whole different experience. Can you define a little bit what? Cause you said pranayama. So that's just breathing and focusing on your breath and just trying to. Notice sensations a little bit on your body and then you move into larger swaths of your body. But, I think the theory is the smaller. Area that you're focusing on. Like when you're breathing, you breathe through your nose, you can, oh, there's always sensation there. So they start with somewhere where there's a lot of sensation for everybody. And then you start going through your body and. just quietly listening to the sensation on your arms. Or on your, on your knees or just your big toe, but you need to also do so without visualizing. So you can't see your feet, you can't name your feet. You just need to feel this sensation. And that was, that was general. Actually I missed a whole thing right before that. I had a blood clot when my son was born. I don't know if I've told you that story. That might be a whole nother podcast. Um, I almost died when he was born and I fought it really, really hard. They went through several doctors and they thought it was small and it went from my hip to the base of my heart. So it was a year and a half of. Drugs and surgery and blood thinners and anxiety and fear. Lots of fear. once you have a blood clot, you are much more likely to get another one. Cause now my veins are all stretched, stretched out. I have stints. but sitting for long periods of time. We'll encourage a blood clot. And so I am. Coming here to this place, the passion, the passion, the center. To live. They want to live. I want to be in this moment. I don't want to live in the future or the past. I want to live right now. But being here and living right now is going to kill me. And so that was on the fourth day. I walked up to, uh, to the teacher. I'm going to die. I'm just sobbing. All over the place and she's like, dude, stand up. She's like, why? Why are you trying to tackle death at your first 10 day meditation retreat? You're not going to do it. You're not going to accept your death today. And some days I have some days I accept my death and I can happily go at nighttime. And then other times it's crippling, but. And that was the first peak and to death. Wow. Retreat. And so we adjusted it so I could sit so I could put my legs out straight, so that, that wasn't such a loud voice screaming in my head. So I could sit and focus on things. yeah, we quieted that down and then I got into some and got to some real work in here in me. I think why meditation is so powerful is because you're feeling these sensations on your body. But you've chosen that I'm going to sit here for an hour and I'm not going to move. You don't care if it's an itch or a sneeze, because it's just a sensation and I can just watch it, come and go. Just like I'm watching these thoughts come and go. And so you just start playing with that in your, in your quote unquote downtime. There's three hours that you have to sit. You have to be in the hall. But, um, the rest of the time, you can kind of meditate anywhere. You can go in your room. And let your mind wander if you want, you know, the experiences, what you make it. and so sometimes they needed to give my mind to rest. And just sit and look out the window and look at nature. I was like, oh, I'm cool. I'm going to put a sweatshirt on and I'm like, we'll call this justice sensation. Right. So I can just choose this. And, um, that was actually a spiral. So I was sitting there and I just started sobbing because I realized that everything in my life is just sensations and reactions. And I don't think I have any emotions. And not feel it felt so empty. and it was. It was really. Sad to think that I was going to go home. And even these things that I love. That I just love them because I have an attachment to them So. That was the first time there that I was like, well, maybe it's, maybe it's not worth being here. Like, why am I here then? What, what am I here to do then if it's not just struggle every day, because I feel like my whole life I've been struggling and Leslie, so. Now, I'm here to wake up to find my way home and I've found my way home, but it's fucking miserable. I still see all of the suffering that's there. and eventually I pulled myself out of that one. I'm like, stop, stop being so dramatic, sir. You're being really dramatic and you're, you're choosing this suffering right now. But you're sitting in, so, you know, you can. You can change that perspective. And so, like, I pulled my way out of that one that didn't feel too deep. But I think it was on day six, missing everybody wanting to leave, wanting to be out of there, being done with it. Cause it's really hard. Cause you're pulling out all of this shit. You're pulling out all of your. All your reactions, they call them some cars. You're you're. Obliterating them because of the container that they have built here for you is to do some real fucking work. and I've had, Kind of like a. Uh, prequel here is they've had this. Presence of a dark man in my life. I don't know if it's his energy that is dark. If it's his hair and his skin or, or what it is, But I, I have faint. It feels like memories of him and then crippling anxiety. And my whole body will feel like it shutting down. And so. I've been spending a long time. Is this something in my past that I'm trying to uncover in my, seeing something that's going to happen? Like, what is this? And it's been something I've, I've struggled with for a while, and it's kind of scary. And sitting there. I realized that it's me, that he's me. And it's all of this unhealed. That I have inside me, all of my anger, all of my haint. he really wants to drive this, this ship. He wants to drive this boat and he's willing to kill me in order to do so. If he can't do it, then he's going, then this is going to die. And, and I saw that so clearly while I was there. And very visual. Representations of what the inside of my brain looks like. And I watched him crawl into the tunnels and go hide. Cause he was scared. Cause he saw that I saw him. And ever since then. Speaking to darkness has just popped up everywhere in my life. We went to. The Unitarian Universalists the other day. And that was all about darkness. We had happened chance to meet someone and talk about mental health. One day just super, randomly walked into her house. Talked in. She was talking about addressing the darkness and everything's just pulling. Pulling him forward and I'm trying to fight and how to love him. But before. Before I had the realization of who he was while I was there. he had sort of stepped into the, like, it feels like there's someone holding a. The controls for this money. Right. And right now it's, it's me. It's this consciousness that I have, but there's other means in there, but he can kind of step into that. And I think that's those old patterns of anger and hate, Then I have in my life and he was able to step in and. And tell me that this life is not worth living. And I knew where every pairing knife was in that meditation retreat. And I was wondering if I could break the mirror without anybody hearing me break it, because they just didn't want to fight anymore. I don't want to fight. I want to love, and I don't know how to love. Those parts. And I didn't figure that out there. But I saw the path. And he saw the path and it made it really clear. Wow. And now everything's really quiet. After going through that. Reintegrating was really hard. going from so much quiet. And having these experiences and wanting to talk to other people about it. Even the people that I had been there and experienced it with, they're like, how was it for you? And then. Physically shaking him violently shaking. When these people are starting to talk to me, I'm a very outgoing person and I'll talk, but I could not talk to anyone. I was shaking like crazy. And I was like, um, I kind of want to die still. And they're like, oh, well, And then walked away. Of course. And then, so like trying to have other conversations without other people, and they just want to talk about how much their back hurt or their butt hurt while they were sitting and all these things. I'm like, no guys. Let's. Let's talk about death. Let's talk about acceptance. That's really fucking get in here. and he did find a couple of kindred souls that I could, that I could talk with, but there weren't many, like I said, I was the weirdo in the weirdos. I have that experience everyday life. Yeah. As well. the day that I was leaving, I was like, no, no way. Am I ever going to do this again? and like two days later it's like, oh, I want to go back. Two days after that, it was like, let's motive. This please. More of this, please. So as far as how, how has it really affected my life? it's slowed everything down. I can see my emotions coming and going. If they are that I'm still trying to grapple with whether or not I'm feeling emotions or. I don't emotions just. A simple term for a complex thing that's happening within us. Truly. That's what I think it is. And it's just easier to say I'm sad than to explain every little nuance of why I'm sad right now. I don't know. That's been the biggest, wow. Yeah. I figure out. Explain. Reason. Sometimes that's not the point. That's why my favorite quote or one of them is by Simone bay. The great human error is to reason in place of finding out. The experience is truly enough. We don't have to necessarily explain away why we're having the experience we are having. Because that is exactly what we're doing. When we try to explain it, we explain it literally away. And we no longer are having the experience we're having. And as I mentioned to the associates at my night meeting at home Depot yesterday, The ones who said. I'm here. When I asked how they're doing, I said, well, that's the best place to be. It was right where you are. We get into our heads. our brains want to explain everything. But what if we just experience it? And that life. Have its way with us. Wow. What a beautiful thing. Thank you, Sarah. That was amazing. And deep and it makes me. Think. And also wonder what that experience would be like for me. Maybe someday I'll do it. Do you think that you might want to do it? Let me know, continue the conversation with me. Go to Laura, christine.us to connect. You're also able to support the show there. I appreciate any support at all whatsoever. And you can book yourself a session with me for coaching. And generally what happens at my sessions is that you. Feel. What it is to be home. And yourself. And then from there, Things get so much more clear. Because you feel then. And what choices are going to keep you feeling like your home? And as I've mentioned, when you're home and yourself home forms around you. There's nothing. I want more for any of us than that. Until next time I am sending all the love and then some more. We'll talk again.