262. Triggered! {LC's Journey 39}

As I mentioned, the last few episodes were really set up for this one. This is back on my journey. So a couple of years later, actually about five years later. This is from August 7th, 2022. The fire was I think at the end of 2017. It might've been 20. 18. I don't remember anyway. Yesterday. I did a thing. I've discovered a huge trigger. And it feels like PTSD. Like the birds at down to earth. Or the cars driving by. Or that day I saw a Hico truck and burst into tears. That is actually probably the point at which healing started. Which I mentioned in the last episode as well. This is the trigger. At his non-responsiveness. It's actually a little opposite of how Kent and I started. He texted every day. Love bombing. I was a little overwhelmed, but it felt good. No with the guy. I seem to only get a text. If it deals with a benefit to him. Well, not always. However, he hasn't asked me how my trip is going once. I've asked him about his and he's either liked it or not responded all. Like he's either like to the text, put a little hard on it or a little. thumbs up. And he's either just on that or not responded at all. once I sent. Uh, text about How nice the Minnesota air feels and that I feel his hands when the breeze glides across my skin. It got a heart response and nothing more. This could just be the guy and how he communicates, but it feels like. I'm like a prize or something. That he really doesn't have time for, unless he and I are alone together So that's the setup. When I feel into it. I feel love. But I know chemistry and compatibility are two very different things. I'm not sure we have both. So I'm feeling anxious about the guy and going out to PA. And I'm scared to tell him. This more than I am anxious about going there. Because it's triggering me to have emotions happening that would have been used against me. I don't feel safe. I realized yesterday that the only way to stop intermittently freaking out about it is to share and observe. So I sent a truthful text. Saying that I feel intermittently anxious. It feels like PTSD for me. Emotional abuse. Sending the text is adding to the anxiety because sharing my feelings wasn't received well, if at all, Basically, I want him to know that I am a real human with all the feelings sometimes. And if that doesn't feel safe to him, please just tell me now. I think Tim for receiving this and ended with a red heart. So we'll see if he responds and if so, How, and what I will decide to do when it happens or it doesn't. I'm all aware. It's the middle of the weekend. And I have no idea what he's up to. I'm writing this down as helping the anxious feelings though. I was really working a lot on. Changing the way I approached situation so that I could be more direct without being apologetic. And frankly, this is something that I am still very much working on right now. I'm blessed to say that I have somebody on my side who reminds me of who I am and. Tells me not to apologize and even points out when I'm being apologetic without apologizing. And it's, um, It's sort of frustrating at the same time as being really, really. Uh, liberating and. It feels, it feels amazing. So. There's a lot here. Aye. Also noticed that this person. Really. Seemed to always be trying to impress. And literally you can't do that with me because I already see you. I see your light. I see who you are. Trying to impress is. Covering that up. I guess I could say the same for myself. I am what I am and those who see me see me and trying to apologize for that is. Basically punching them in the face. Or telling them. The wrong about me when frankly, no, they're not, they're not wrong. This is where I'll leave this episode. It was something that was amazing too. I recognize in myself. This trigger that I had and what it was doing for me and the lessons that I could glean from it. Really powerful stuff. Pay attention. Pay attention to yourself, pay attention to your feelings, pay attention to your thoughts. And then ask questions about it. Why am I feeling this? Why am I thinking this? Not with any kind of aggression toward yourself, but simply in a curious manner. To where you're not attacking yourself. You're simply finding out. And that will bring you home. That's it. Until next time I'm sending all the love and then somewhere. We'll talk again.