258. Sleep's Broken Bridge {by Lynnette Mackey}

Hey there, I am with my really good friend Lynette. Gosh, I've known Lynette for a while now and sometimes I am lucky enough and blessed enough to see what she writes on Facebook. She does writing and I am immediately reminded of what home is when I read her writings. So I asked her to come on. She's here today and she's going to share with you the last writing that I asked her to share on the show. Go ahead, Lynette. Thanks. First of all, though, for being here.

Thank you, Laura. I'm, I'm honored to be able to read on your podcast. here is my latest, one of my latest writings. It's called Sleep's Broken Bridge. I'm under attack. I'm being ambushed. It feels so cold and too dark, like a hunger that won't escape, like a culling, a stash dagger glistening with intent, a dangerous dream that wants to happen before I fall asleep It's the fear of a thousand nights under endless starry skies, where the dawn is always moving away from me, where my scream won't echo back, where only shadowy beasts keep me company. It is here where I must shapeshift into a dark creature in order to survive the dream and the reality where my lover is leaving me, where my father and best friend die, a place where the floor falls from under me and the walls are slippery and the stones turn to gel, where the world flips upside down and all that I know is for naught. This is the place where I call out in the dead of the night, howling to mother. I want her and only her. I want to feel her hair, smell her hair, feel her hands on my skin and her breath on my cheek. I want to see the lights turn on at the end of the hallway before I hear her footsteps walking toward me. Save me from myself. Mother, I call you, mother of the dirt, mother of the quiet center of the earth. Pull safety's blanket over my shoulders. Keep me warm from harm. Coat my brain. Take me under your wing, anchor me, sweet mother, to your earthly shores, so I can freely fly into the dream waters amongst the stars, the stars which are no longer dreadful. Thank you.

Thank you so much. That is, I mean, I feel it when you say it, when you speak it. When you share it, I feel that fear and that need and that, um, longing for a mother. How did that come? When did it come? What was going on? what were you tuned into?

when I started going through my parents house a little over three years ago, I was solely responsible for getting their house ready for sale, and I had to go through everything from my childhood and some from my father's childhood and my mother's childhood and my father had passed away two years before that. So I still grieving him. And then it was also during COVID. And each day when I went over there and spent time going through things bringing things to the dump bringing things to goodwill, so on and so forth. I just kept seeing my, my life and all our lives, you know, like my parents life, my siblings lives to a degree too. And I think that it was It was a, it was a lot, like it was a lot of stress for me, but also really good processing. I began what could be called panic attacks. I had started getting what could be called panic attacks. I don't know if they really were. I, I have some other theories on what maybe they are. But, um, I had maybe three or four over that time when I was going through their home. Um, and they were terrifying. the way that I would help myself kind of get out of them was to go and put my hands on the earth, and I'd call, call out in the night call on Mother Earth, and that would normally bring me back to my body. then after the house sold, those panic attacks went away, I've had a few here and there over the last few years. And then when the night that this was written. That experience came up again right as I was going to go to sleep I had previously just been reading a book and was super calm wasn't thinking of anything stressful, wasn't feeling any particular way other than tired. And so as soon as I turned off the lamp, everything shifted. and that is like. Wow, it's powerful. Like I'm, I'm thankful for those experiences because they don't happen often and they, they really test you like we know each other through yoga. And, you know, oftentimes I would try to work with the breath work that has helped me, but even like sometimes all of the knowledge of the work it's just, you got to connect. Like, that, that has been my saving grace, has been able to just connect and, and ground. And yes, the breathing comes in, but it's like, it doesn't matter necessarily what knowledge you, you might think you have. When it comes, it comes, and it comes on hard and fast, and you're like, wow, you know? and so I didn't want to get too. you can start panicking because they're, they can feel terrifying, you know? And I thought, I'm gonna, I'm just gonna write this. And so I, I like to write on my phone. It somehow works better for me. I don't know. Like, I like writing on paper too, but I oftentimes just write on my phone. And so I just started writing out that, just how I was feeling. And it. Focus my mind on something other than, ground, it grounded my thoughts into the writing and then I was able to see that outside of myself, not just fully inside of me, in my mind, I could see it written and, that energy went into this poem or writing instead, it slowly just started fading, fading away. was really, mean, I'm grateful that I just reached for the phone, you know?

I am. I'm grateful too,

Yeah.

because it's such a beautiful, um, practice, but also a beautiful, way of processing. And then I have a pretty darn good feeling that people listening have had that experience. So the experience you wrote down. Will help people feel less alone. I feel like that's one thing. We're all on this journey home to ourselves, and it is a solo journey. Yet we're all doing the solo journey together, so we don't always have to feel so alone. And sharing things like this at least me feel like, okay, I'm not the only one that experiences these things. I was actually talking to a friend earlier today and we were. Basically saying, you can either numb out and feel nothing, or you can feel everything. And by far who we both choose to feel everything

Yes.

is. Life is feeling. I just really, really love this writing. Thank you so much for sharing it.

You're welcome. And you know, wait, can I just say it, like, in the last month, I did an ayahuasca journey. It was my second journey. and I had another experience happen the day after I also wrote and a song emerged from that one. But my, my new theory is that I think that there are some spirits that are coming to visit I think it's pretty interesting because as soon as I recognize, like it's anything that can be. You know, like unknown, like it's an unknown energy. And like in this last song, I using some words that I never use. And so I feel like, as soon as I started writing, the whole song came out, you'll hear it at one of these, one of these days soon, one I'm working on. But, I feel like it could be visitors earth spirit visitors. yeah, and I mean that can be further elaborated on, but if you are ever interested in that kind of discussion, that could be interesting.

I would love to have you do that when you share that song, because I'd love to share that song with. The community and have you elaborate on it if that's in the cards.

okay, okay, cool.

thank you so much, Lynette. This has been amazing. I can't wait to talk to you again on the 100 ways podcast. and for everyone listening, thank you so much for being here, for being you, for being true to yourself. Let me know if any of this resonates with you and let me know how you process your emotions, that those really big, strong emotions that come up. Because we can all learn from each other if you'd like to support the show, you can do that at laurachristine. us. You can also contact me there. Until next time, we are sending all the love and then some more. We'll talk again.