240. Best Way to Communicate with a Narcissist {with Sandi}

I know it's super hard. But we have to stop engaging with narcissists. We just have to. This is why.

I did say no to going out for a drink with him as well,

Oh, yeah. Good. Yeah. You need to block him completely now and just be done. that's my Opinion and my advice unsolicited.

It's really good advice, actually.

people like that don't have the capacity to use logic or like their analytical brain. They are traumatized and are living in their trauma. So they are actually, even though they will tell you how logical they are, they are actually acting from a very hurt place that. literally cannot reason. So trying to communicate with them, trying to get them on the same page as you, trying to make them understand the situation and be okay with it is not possible and it's not going to happen. That's why we have to leave and we need to cut ourselves off and we need to stop engaging with them. As much as possible, if you cannot engage with them at all, perfect. If you have kids, that's another story, but again, engage as little as possible because any engagement is what they need for them to feel, feel any, any sense of self actually, because they don't have. their own energy, they get their sense of self from your energy and from controlling, being in control of you or their kids. It's sad. It's very sad, but it's true. And if you're going to stay in it, you're going to stay stuck. But the thing about being stuck is you just got to get out and you can get out. And I really want to want to share that you can get out. I have another friend who I visited over the course of my travels who got out of our narcissistic marriage with two small children. I have another friend who is getting out of one now, who's Mormon and has four children I mean, extra layers there

Got it can do it! You can!

Oh, she is. It's amazing.

That's so badass cuz yeah, no one understands My sister dawn out here. I love you, Donnie she Saw the decline of the Sandita It's like, you are not okay, like, I've never seen you so miserable, so just go down, down, down, down. And then I'd break up with him and I'd be like, it's like a video game. And then I'd be like, oh, but it's going to be okay again, he said this or said that, and he was so sweet and he did this or that, right? And it'd be like a couple days. Back down. It would just eat at me because then I was I was stuck again. I'm like, how am I going to get out? So persistence is absolute. And what you're saying about non communication,

hmm.

it's weird for somebody who cares and loves.

It is.

I do. It's really hard accused me all the time of ghosting. Okay.

wanted you to respond three seconds after he texted you every time he did and would say, you're ghosting me if you didn't do that, which is ridiculous.

even after like, you bring it up like months later, you ghost me, like use it as you, and I'm like, I have no idea really what you're talking even know what this is. Like, what you see is what you get.

Yeah.

and so I looked up ghosting and like, huh? Okay, still unclear.

Okay. So that's a sign and that's a red flag, actually. If you're listening and you're like, I'm doing that. If he's accusing me of something, I'm looking up and making sure to see how I'm doing it. he is manipulating you.

Yeah,

is what is happening. He is manipulating you. Or she, or whatever.

he made me feel so Stupid even though I know

hmm.

and I do have my shit together He put me in this I felt like a piece of cheat.

Yeah, they bring you up to tear you down. the remedy, really. And when I'm and when we say like the thing about being stuck is you just got to get out, how do you get out it's actually getting your energy out of someone else's shit experience. they're going to have their own experience and we have to let them have their own experience. We can't make it better for them. We have to bring our energy back to ourselves. We have to pull it in. We have to suck it in so that our energy. is with ourselves. And from there, that's what I mean by coming home. We're not focusing on making somebody else's experience any different than it is we are focused on ourselves and what we need in this moment right now. That's being home from that place. We can be authentic with ourselves. We can speak the truth and it's scary right away. It's super scary because it's different. We're not used to it.

It is super scary Yeah, that sounds all great and good, But it's like actually putting it into practice baby stepping wise and then proving it to yourself that just saying no for example, just like, um, you'd say something, right? Start making fun of me, like teasing, teasing. And I'd be like, you know what? I don't like it. You know, just something like that. Just standing up for yourself, just gently, hey. Nah. Good on that. And then see, the world didn't end. He didn't, like, keep lashing out. And so just that proving to yourself builds that confidence of getting the wheels out of the mud. And, I'm sorry to interrupt, but it was just like... When I hear you were saying, it's so perfect, but when you were in, when you are in a situation like I was in, cause I was in it too, I'm like, cause I listened to you in July and it took me until like how long to truly get out. That's scary that I continued to let myself be manipulated

It takes what it takes.

right? Yeah, I don't remember how long it took you and, um, fella,

Oh, who, who texted me the, the other day again, or emailed me the fourth email that he created because I've blocked the other three. So no, I did not respond to that. No. And I have also requested not requested I have told him do not contact me again. So obviously this person has I actually told my the therapist that I worked with when I was leaving him and she said he obviously has some personality disorders. If he can't respect that boundary after multiple times of asking him. He has personality disorder, so no, do not respond, and I already had told her I wasn't going to. Isn't it funny, though, how they know when things are opening up in your life? Like, when, when things, when you meet somebody else and you're exploring and you're opening with another person because it's actually So it's like, you know, when feeling safe and healthy and your heart feels like it's supposed to, they, they know, they know.

It is weird and they do know. Next time we're going to dig into the energetics. Of This type of relationship and what's going on. And how to handle it really. Because no matter what the energetics are, what we really need to know is how to handle it. Until then we are sending all the love and then some more. We'll talk tomorrow.